Still not entirely happy with this post, but… it’s an improvement. In the early days I spent a lot of time writing about hierarchy, because it’s what I was seeing. Most posts that focused on hierarchy I have been able to re-write to have a more general focus. This one… This one’s about the hierarchy. I have never seen the sheer sense of shock and betrayal in a non-hierarchical polycule that seems to be the loudest (if not most common) response to a pregnancy occurring in the “wrong” dyad of a hierarchical relationship set up. Revised 2/19/17.
The title of this post comes from a search term that regularly brings people to my blog. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised by how common this problem is – but seeing it as one of the more common searches used to find this blog actually did surprise me. And made me realize that I had left something important out of this discussion. As great as it is for me to say ‘talk about it before it happens’, that doesn’t say anything about coping with it when it happens. Note that just because the original search term was gendered doesn’t mean this problem only comes up in a male spouse’s secondary link. Pregnancy can happen in any link that includes PIV sex. Calling that link “secondary” doesn’t change that.
Most of this post is directed at the people in a hierarchical primary link, because, well, that’s who is using this search term. But the info/ideas here can be helpful for secondary partners and much of it can apply to any multi-link network.
First Things First:
So, the first thing to do with any unexpected pregnancy is – BREATHE. If you didn’t plan for the possibility (and even if you did) this can be a really difficult, painful and complicated situation. Panicking really, REALLY, doesn’t help.
Second, by all that is holy do not jump to conclusions or start assigning blame. I’ve seen this way too often, but it seems most common in hierarchical multi-links where someone thought promising (or demanding a promise) that a pregnancy would never ever ever happen seemed like a good idea. As someone who got pregnant twice using birth control, and once [twice] with a person who tested as sterile, I can promise you that an unexpected pregnancy does not mean the secondary deliberately set out to trap you/your partner, or that anyone has been lying about the use of birth control. (Seriously, I know of at least two cases within 2 degrees of separation of me where a pregnancy happened after someone got their TUBES TIED. Shit HAPPENS.)
Ditto, just because someone is excited at the idea of being a parent, does not mean this was deliberate. (I promise from my own experience, sometimes, after the shock wears off, the biologically programmed excitement does set in.)
Perhaps most importantly on this point, unless the pregnant person opts for an abortion, this is something all three (or more) of you are going to need to deal with together – starting out by attacking each other, no matter how justified you may feel, just makes things worse.
Moving Forward
Ok, so we are breathing, we are not panicking, and we are not tossing around blame. Where do we go from here?
Time to discuss options. While this is not an exhaustive list, here are a few of the options that can be considered:
Work out custody:
Raising a child between two homes is practically normal these days. Which doesn’t say it is easy or necessarily a good idea – but it isn’t a bad idea either. Yes, this means you and your (or your partner’s) secondary partner will be tied together for the next 18+ years. Given the number of divorcees who absolutely hate each other and have managed this, I promise, it can work.
Move in together:
I do not recommend this option without a lot of soul searching, heavy discussion and compromise, but IF you can make it work, it is one of the better options out there. A very viable alternative is you can afford it is to buy or rent two halves of a two family house. This way you all have your space, both bio parents can be involved daily in the baby’s life, and life can go on as close to usual as possible with a baby coming/here. (Pressuring your spouse/primary partner into allowing your secondary partner to move in with you when they are opposed is a recipe for divorce court/break up. Pressuring your secondary partner to move in when they are opposed is a recipe for drama and possibly/probably a break up followed by custody battles.)
Adoption:
if both bio parents seriously aren’t into the whole parent thing, this can be a very good option. There are a number of options available, including both private and public adoptions. Some arrangements can allow you to still be a part of the child’s life. Alternatively, if one of the bio parents aren’t ready to be a parent, they might be able to arrange an adoption with one of the other bio parent’s other partners.
Give up paternity:
if the bio father is not ready/want to be a parent, it is often an option for them to give up their parental rights to the child. If they choose to do this, they will not be liable for child support, and will also have no legal right to be a part of the child’s life. (You know the comment on moving in together above? Same applies here. Seriously, this has to be THEIR decision, do NOT push for this one.)
Self Care is Important
Now, while this blog is usually focused on the practical aspects of polyamory, I’m gonna detour into the emotional. If your partner and their secondary partner come to you and announce a pregnancy, no matter how tactful they are or how gently they break the news, you have every right and reason to a whole host of negative emotions. ESPECIALLY if they were foolish enough to promise this would never happen. Even worse is if either A) you had agreed that you were never going to have children, or B) you have been trying to have children and haven’t been able to. In either of those cases, this can go beyond a punch in the gut.
There are no good answers here. But I would seriously suggest that you take the time to cry on a friend’s shoulder, take a weekend away, blow a bunch of money on a spa day (if you can afford it without harming your living situation) or WHATEVER YOU NEED to feel at least a little better, and be able to approach this at least somewhat calmly. You do not need to decide how you feel today. You do not need to decide what to do today. You have nearly 9 months to figure things out. So give yourself that time.
So Is Not Being an Asshole
And as hard as it may be, try to have some compassion for the secondary partner in this mess. They are probably scared, confused and uncertain too. Do not ask your partner not to see them/spend time with them while you deal with your feelings. That is taking away one of their sources of emotional supports during a very difficult time, and generally being an asshole.
The above also applies if your secondary partner has just told you they are pregnant and you are upset about it.
And if you are the person who has just done the telling, recognize that the other people involved may need time and space to sort out how they feel about this unexpected change.
If you are the secondary partner in this situation, it can be very scary, and you can feel very alone. Obviously all of the above options as far as what to do are open to you. On an emotional level, don’t be afraid to say to your partner ‘look, I know this is a shock to you, and I know you/your spouse need time to sort out how this affects you, but I need some support here too.’
This post is part of the Polyamory and Pregnancy blog series.
Comments
10 responses to “Polyamory and Pregnancy: Help! My Husband’s Secondary is Pregnant!”
This is a great post. I’m posting about my own polyamorous pregnancy on my blog and I really think adding a link to this post would be helpful for people who aren’t as fortunate as myself and my significant others. Get back to me if you can about that being OK with you or not. I’m gonna go ahead and post with you linked but I will take it down asap if you don’t want it up.
This is a great post. I’m posting about my own polyamorous pregnancy on my blog and I really think adding a link to this post would be helpful for people who aren’t as fortunate as myself and my significant others. Get back to me if you can about that being OK with you or not. I’m gonna go ahead and post with you linked but I will take it down asap if you don’t want it up.
I have found out my husband is dating a 23 year old who wants to have his child after only 4 months. Now my husband is very excited about fathering a child. I just found out about all this poly stuff about a week ago. I’m happy for him that he is being lavished with attention but at the same time we are 47 years old. She was the one that told him about polyamorous but at the same time she has not told her husband who is the father of their 3 year old that my husband is her new lover. I just found out that is called cheating, right. She says she is building up the courage to tell him its my husband because he just thinks as him as a friend of theirs. All this makes my head spin. Can you advise me regarding the huge age gap?
I wouldn’t be worried about the age gap, large age gaps can happen in relationships sometimes and there is nothing inherently wrong with that.
I’d be a lot more worried about some of the other things you shared. Am I reading this right that you just found out about this relationship a week ago and your husband has been dating this person for four months? If so that is definitely cheating and something that should be addressed. And yes, if she hasn’t told her husband that your husband is her lover that is most likely cheating. (Some polyam folks have what are called DADT [dont ask don’t tell] relationships, where they don’t tell their spouse/nesting partners about their other partners. But then she wouldn’t have lied to her husband by saying your husband is ‘just’ a friend of hers. The wanting to have a child together after only four months kind of tops it all off. Having a kid together is a huge commitment, and it does not sound like your husband and his lover are in a healthy place to make that commitment.
I think it is great that you are happy for him and the attention he is getting. Please, if you did just find out about this, talk with him about safer sex and how he handled preventing the spread of STIs. Then get yourself tested just to be safe. How you handle the emotional/relationship end of this will depend entirely on your needs and preferences, but if I were you I’d sit him down for a long talk about boundaries, communication, and whether or not I could continue in a relationship with someone who hid a relationship with me for four months.
I have found out my husband is dating a 23 year old who wants to have his child after only 4 months. Now my husband is very excited about fathering a child. I just found out about all this poly stuff about a week ago. I’m happy for him that he is being lavished with attention but at the same time we are 47 years old. She was the one that told him about polyamorous but at the same time she has not told her husband who is the father of their 3 year old that my husband is her new lover. I just found out that is called cheating, right. She says she is building up the courage to tell him its my husband because he just thinks as him as a friend of theirs. All this makes my head spin. Can you advise me regarding the huge age gap?
I wouldn’t be worried about the age gap, large age gaps can happen in relationships sometimes and there is nothing inherently wrong with that.
I’d be a lot more worried about some of the other things you shared. Am I reading this right that you just found out about this relationship a week ago and your husband has been dating this person for four months? If so that is definitely cheating and something that should be addressed. And yes, if she hasn’t told her husband that your husband is her lover that is most likely cheating. (Some polyam folks have what are called DADT [dont ask don’t tell] relationships, where they don’t tell their spouse/nesting partners about their other partners. But then she wouldn’t have lied to her husband by saying your husband is ‘just’ a friend of hers. The wanting to have a child together after only four months kind of tops it all off. Having a kid together is a huge commitment, and it does not sound like your husband and his lover are in a healthy place to make that commitment.
I think it is great that you are happy for him and the attention he is getting. Please, if you did just find out about this, talk with him about safer sex and how he handled preventing the spread of STIs. Then get yourself tested just to be safe. How you handle the emotional/relationship end of this will depend entirely on your needs and preferences, but if I were you I’d sit him down for a long talk about boundaries, communication, and whether or not I could continue in a relationship with someone who hid a relationship with me for four months.
My situation is slightly different, though like the mention above, my searches lead me here. (And forgive me, I don’t know all the abbreviations) My husband of almost 8 years and I have been swingers from the onset. He has one child and I have two- and everyone is finally past the babysitter stage- woohoo! We typically play with other couples who’s lives are very similar to our own- kids, committed, looking for fun friends, etc, but my husband likes to take a single partner pretty often. This is more than ok with me: he would never have sex without a condom and asks for my ok first. I occasionally have a single male partner that I go to see, so it is not one sided. The situation that sent me searching came up after a particularly trying single relationship on his side. To make it clear, we are not Poly. I love my husband and he loves me but we do not tie emotions beyond good friends to our partners. His parents are in a 40 year poly and are miserable. I know they can work beautifully, but for us, it is a boundary. He began sleeping with a young woman in the end of May of 2019. She had two children and was single. We did things together, like boating and shopping, which is not uncommon, but he also ended up employing her in our business, which is extremely uncommon. After 6 weeks of paying her to sit on her phone and follow my husband around, my other employees and I had had enough and we let her go. Fast forward to November 11th when she made contact with him again, and she is almost 18 weeks pregnant. The first thing we did was order a prenatal paternity teat. I am very anxiously awaiting the results (7-10 business days) and in this time am feeling this growing sense of anger and doom. I am not mad at either of them, because I knew that they used a condom, and I suppose stranger things have happened, what I am mad at is she is not, nor will she ever be, an even partner. She hasn’t worked in over three years (except for her time with us), she has her other children (aged 3 and 11 months!) and most disturbing, she thinks it is mean to take the other children’s father to court for child support- meaning she lives off of her stepfather and is destitute. What this amounts to is my own children’s situation will now be in peril based on the outcome of this test. My two have been through enough- their father died of cancer when they were 6 and 2 , and afterward, while I finished my degree and first met my new husband, they knew the very leanest of times. We moved every year for 13 years but have finally purchased a house (2 years ago this month) and stability is becoming a reality. I am overloading my post with detail, I apologize, but I feel so lost. I am trying to stay positive- I will welcome split custody in the event the baby belongs to him, and will love the baby as my own, but always in the back of my mind the thought of her stealing our security will linger. Any advise or direction to others who may have experienced something like this would be more than welcome. Thank you for your time.
Haven’t been the kind situation you are, but very familiar with lack of stability and how terrifying it is.
That said, without knowing more of the situation and personalities involved, I think you may be catastrophizing a bit. If she thinkgs it is ‘mean’ to take the father of her kids to court for child support, there is no reason to think she will take your husband to court for child support. And if she does, you have no reason to believe the court will order so much child support it will overwhelm your family’s finances. Do you truly think your husband would voluntarily give her to much it destabilizes you, at the risk of making not just your kids but his own homeless? It sounds like you have more faith in your husband than that — or you wouldn’t be so sure they used condoms.
Now, whether or not you are catastrophizing (and I’m not judging if you are. I have a whole emergency supply plan born out of my own catastrophizing), what you need to do is sit down with your husband and talk about your fears. If it sounds like he is willing to put your family at risk to take care of this child, then set some boundaries regarding your needs for financial stability. Here’s where I would start:
“If this is your child you absolutely need to help support them. But you made a commitment to me and to all of our kids, yours and mine. We only recently got out of a really unstable and scary place, and I’m afraid that we will end up back there if you give this woman too much support. She has options for support beyond you. She could sue her other kids’ father for child support, she could apply for welfare, she could get a job… So I need to set a boundary. If you give her enough money to destabilize us, I will need to look at my options for taking care of myself and my kids, whether or not those options involve you. I don’t want to do that. I love you very much. But my kids come first.
“If you truly believe she can’t take care of this new child without your giving so much that it destabilizes us, maybe you should looking into suing for primary custody so you can give the child a good life, instead. I will be happy to help raise this child with love and support. I just can’t risk the safety of my kids to pay her to raise this child when she and we have other options available.”
Good luck. I’m sure things will turn out well.
I am currently dealing with this situation… I found out 2 months ago… I was really hurt especially because of my own infertility problems… Meta and I have never gotten along but we’re trying to repair that bridge for the sake of my fiance’s child… She makes things very difficult though as I believe she’s a cowgirl and doing her best to take him away from me…
Now I’m being faced with suspicions that our shared partner might be pregnant as well… She’s been very emotional and is late… Don’t get me wrong I’d be excited for her but that kind of blow might get to me…
The real reason I’m commenting though is if/how to tell my family… My sister is polyamorous but always jumps down my fiance’s throat about his other partners… I’m worried she will blow up on him over this and tell me to leave him…
Hey Erica,
That sounds like a really tough situation to be in and kudos to you for trying to make things work.
Re: telling your family, it sounds like you need to have a sit-down with your sister. “Hey, sis, I know you love me and are trying to look out for me. But going after my partner DOESN’T help. It just puts me in the middle between you two. And I can’t deal with that anymore. You can be my sounding board, you can be my escape hatch when we go out for an evening, you can be my friend, you but you CANNOT keep trying to fight my battles for me — especially battles that I’m trying not to fight!”
Then, hopefully, you can tell your family, ‘hey we have news! meta is pregnant. No we’re not entirely sure how this is going to work, we’re still talking about it. Yes, it’s rough for me after trying for so long, but I’m still happy for them.’ and your sister will stay in her corner and support you without adding to the load you’re carrying.
I know it’s not what you were asking about, but I have some experience with cowgirls. So let me give you a tip I learned the hard way: Cowgirls can only steal your partner when your partner isn’t willing to stand up to them. And fighting back against a cowgirl isn’t your play to make. Punt that ball into your partner’s court. “Hey, I really need to you to set clear boundaries with your meta. I’m sure she doesn’t mean to interfere with our relationship, but when she does X, Y and Z it DOES interfere. Especially now, with the baby that is going to take so much of your time and energy — as it should! — I really need you to put some effort into maintaining our relationship.”
If he is already deflecting her cowgirl tendencies and she isn’t managing to interfere, you are good. Her cowgirling is an annoyance, but not a problem. If he has been letter her get away with shit, hopefully saying something like this will wake him up to the fact that he needs to step up to the plate.
If he keeps letting her pull shit after you talk with him, then you need to do some thinking about if you want to be involved with someone who isn’t willing to stand up for your relationship.