Minor edits and updates. In the years since I first wrote this my family spent some time living in Tennessee. Still not problems from doctors and such about being polyamorous. Though it helped that we could pass as monogamous as the time. Polyamory is well known these days, so you are more likely to find random professionals who are familiar with it. Revised Dec 20, 2016
It comes up with near predictable regularity in polyam forums:
How do I find a polyamory friendly professional?
The polyamory friendly professionals list is always referenced, but there is an assumption we need to find professionals who are already polyam friendly. Which kind of bothers me. If we keep going to the same polyam friendly professionals, where will new polyam friendly professionals come from?
To be fair, CARAS does good work and is providing more education to professionals all the time, but they aren’t miracle workers. So rather than searching the friendly professionals list in vain for someone local, how about we start educating our own polyam friendly professionals?
Over the past seven years, I’ve discussed and explained my lifestyle to obs, midwives, lawyers, shrinks, social workers and god-help-me Children and Youth Services representatives. I have never once dealt someone from the polyam friendly professionals list, and only once did I ever have a problem.
Now, living within an hour’s drive of NYC my whole life means that I’ve probably had a lot better luck than I would have if I was living in the Bible-belt. But I’ve chatted with polyam-folk in forums who lived in the Bible belt and who never had problems.
Educating a professional about polyamory is surprisingly easy. I’ve found the upfront and open approach is best. Request a consultation, and say something like ‘So-and-so recommended that I come to you, that you are the best in the area. I am in a polyamorous relationship, where I am in relationships with ___ other people. I need to know if you can be accepting and supportive of this.’
In general, I’ve found 4 common responses to this introduction:
“I’ve never heard of it before, but I’m willing to learn.” – great, answer questions, refer them to the PolyResearchers group on Yahoo!, or whatever else you can do to help them understand.
“I’m afraid I can’t be supportive of a lifestyle that is clearly (fill in reason they disapprove)” – thank them for their time and leave.
Initially say they accept, then get passive-aggressive about it – only ran into this once. I’m not sure if she honestly didn’t realize how much her bias’ were affecting her behavior, or was just an a—hole. Either way, these are the most annoying IMO b/c of the way they waste your time.
“Oh – like that show Sister Wives/Big Love. Sure, I have no problem with that.” – I just started running into this in the past year or two. In general, you can work really well with a professional who has this reaction. They are likely to be open-minded and accepting. However, you may need to deal with some misinformation on their part. Also, sometimes they want to hear how your relationship is different from the one they see on TV. Of course, sometimes it doesn’t matter either.
Resources for educating your local own polyamory friendly professionals:
Resources for educating your local own polyamory friendly professionals:
CARAS – CARAS is dedicated to the support and promotion of excellence in the study of alternative sexualities, and the dissemination of research results to the alternative sexuality communities, the public, and the research community.
What Therapists Should Know About Polyamory – article introducing what polyamory is, how it is practiced and some of the psych studies on polyamory over the past several decades. Written for therapists, but can be useful for family doctors/primary care physicians
Yahoo! PolyResearcher’s Group – this is a great place that your professional can go and ask questions. The group includes over three hundred members in varying fields of study. A great resource for anyone wanting to learn about current research in polyamory.
NCFS – the national coalition for sexual freedom should be a great resource and is the group that sponsored the article What Therapists Should Know About Polyamory, but in general while they support polyamory in theory, they are more focused on support for the BDSM community. Hard to blame them when kinksters are in danger of going to jail for their sexuality. The one area where I have found NCFS to be helpful in polyam situations is legal stuff. They may provide a lawyer with references, precedents, and research relevant to a legal case where your lifestyle is an issue. I understand that some of NCFS’ board members are moving to have more of a focus on polyamory and non-monogamy in the future.
Comments
2 responses to “Educating Polyamory Friendly Professionals”
I’ve educated a couple of GYNs and a couple of therapists — worked out just fine, and I gave the second therapist that exact “What Therapists Should Know” article 🙂
Poly wasn’t a negative issue in any of these interactions, which helped (i.e., I could tell the GYNs that we were safeguarding our sexual health, and the therapy was about adjusting to a degenerative medical condition, rather than poly-related relationship conflicts.)
Not that people shouldn’t SEEK therapy for poly-related problems — just that I think the therapists had an easier time getting on board with poly because it was not a source of a lot of angst/conflict.
I’ve educated a couple of GYNs and a couple of therapists — worked out just fine, and I gave the second therapist that exact “What Therapists Should Know” article 🙂
Poly wasn’t a negative issue in any of these interactions, which helped (i.e., I could tell the GYNs that we were safeguarding our sexual health, and the therapy was about adjusting to a degenerative medical condition, rather than poly-related relationship conflicts.)
Not that people shouldn’t SEEK therapy for poly-related problems — just that I think the therapists had an easier time getting on board with poly because it was not a source of a lot of angst/conflict.