(This blog post is based on my knowledge and experience in the US. My research suggests that the same general options apply in many parts of Europe and the Anglosphere. If you have knowledge of other countries, please share in the comments!)
Our social and legal systems are set up on the assumption that a child has two parents. These systems have difficulty handling step-parents, never mind poly families. So it is no surprise that polyamorous families with three or more parents raising kids together often run into red tape.
Whether your family is co-parenting together with all the adults having equal say, or you generally raise kids as couples, but want your poly partners to have some official place in your kid’s life, the social and legal systems are just not set up to work with you.
Luckily, there are a few ways you work around the system.
Doing Separate Paperwork for Each Situation
Most things activities and bureaucracies your kids need to go through will have an option to designate other adults who are allowed to participate, be informed, and interact. At the doctor’s office, you can fill out a form that gives your poly partner the right to take your child to the doctor and get information about your child’s health.
At school you can fill out a form that allows your poly partner to pick your child up, meet your child on school grounds, or participate in class activities.
Hospitals, after school activities, summer camps, and clubs usually have a similar system.
You will need to jump through a slightly different set of hoops for each area of your child’s life you would like your poly partner to be involved in. This has significant hassle but also allows you to pick and choose what access you give your poly partners.
In Loco Parentis
In loco parentis is a legal method of designating another adult to act on your behalf in regard to your child. In the US, when children go on field trips with their school, parents need to sign forms allowing the school to act in loco parentis on the trip—this allows the school to take the child to the hospital in the event of an emergency.
In loco parentis is simple to set up. All it takes is a paper saying that this adult stands in loco parentis, with the right to act on the parents behalf. Sign the paper and you are good. You can set a time limit—for instance giving a babysitter in loco parentis standing for one week while you are on vacation. You can also specify specific rights. For instance giving a poly partner in loco parentis standing for medical care, but not for things related to school or legal matters.
If you want to be a bit more formal about it, you can ask a lawyer to draw up an in loco parentis statement. If you have concerns about relatives or other people who disapprove of your relationship challenging the in loco parentis, this may be a good idea. It is not necessary.
Setting up in loco parentis is the easiest way to give a poly partner some standing regarding your kids. They will need to keep the paper with them and show to officials anytime they are speaking on your behalf. If you don’t set a time limit on the original form, you can revoke their standing at anytime.
Legally Adding a Third Parent
A few (a very few) legal jurisdictions have set a precedent allowing three people to have legal standing as a child’s parents. This is definitely something you will want to speak with a lawyer about ahead of time, and be prepared for a lot of scrutiny and legal hassle.
If you live in a jurisdiction that has not yet allowed 3-parent families, you can attempt to set such a precedent, but expect even more hassle, expense and scrutiny.