Tag Archives: Stepping Away from Poly

Polyamory and Pregnancy: Taking a Break from Polyamory

Minor changes here. This post causes a collision in two of my basic beliefs: 1) no one can force or require you to be in a relationship and 2) you don’t dump people you love because it’s convenient. In the end, #1 is an ethical position related to consent and #2 is a personal opinion on how not to be a douchebag. So when they collide #1 comes out on top. You have every right to do something I consider douche baggy. Some minor revisions here, but the gist of the post hasn’t changed. Revised 2/17/17

Love is infinite, time is not.

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes/How do you measure, measure a year? – Jonathon Larson, Rent

I’m not sure who first said it, but it is true. No matter how we measure and count the days, we only have so much time. And pregnancy and babies take up lots of it.

For some people, this becomes a time to take a break from polyamory or open relationships. To say ‘we are focusing on this relationship and this child.’

Each individual needs to make this decision for themselves. (Yes, individual. This is not something I believe a nesting/primary partner has a right to require of you.) You, and only you, know what your resources are in terms of time, energy, and support. You do not owe anyone a relationship. If you can no longer give a relationship the time and energy you think it deserves, you have every right to say, “I’m sorry, I can no longer keep my commitments here, I need to step back.”

If you DO decide to step back from some relationships, remember that relationships evolve. You and your partners can remain friends, can shift to a more casual relationship, can be comets for each other. There is a lot of middle ground between “keeping things the way they are” and “ending all but one relationship”.

For myself, I can see a situation where I might say ‘I can’t start any new relationships, I need to close up my triad/quad/v/network/group because I can’t commit to anything new.’ I can’t imagine a situation where I would be happy or willing to end relationships rather than evolve them. Or to stop being polyamorous and living in committed monogamy for any length of time. But everyone is different.

Whatever you decide, whether you are able to continue with your current relationships, consider new ones, or find closure with some relationships so you can focus on your primary/nesting relationships and child/ren; make sure you do it with respect for yourself and your partners.

Blessed be.

This post is part of the Polyamory and Pregnancy blog series.