Tag Archives: Link List

Explaining Polyamory: The Wrap Up

Not much to fix here. Added a few links and fixed some typos/grammar. Updated 9/28/17

So far, we’ve covered an introduction to the Culture Gap, preparations, discussion, and possible reactions. Hopefully, hitting the high points of stuff you should know before explaining your relationship choose to friends or family.

The good news is, the more people you tell the easier it gets. But the first time can still be terrifying.

Whatever your approach, and whoever you open up to, make sure you take care of yourself. Whether it is your polyam partners, folks in the local polyam munch, a good friend or someone else, have support you can lean on when you start opening up to people. You’ll be putting yourself through an emotional roller coaster, and having a shoulder to cry on, friend to come over with chocolate ice cream, or folks to celebrate good news with, having other people you can trust can help a lot.

On that note, you will probably do best opening up to close friends before family. It is a sad truth that friends are often more accepting and supportive than family – possibly because family feel your choices reflect on them, while friends know that your choices are your choices, and aren’t about them.

Explaining Polyamory Blog Posts:

My new publishing company is running a crowdfunding campaign to fund our first year’s expenses.

Please help us create inclusive fiction.

Everything You Need to Know About Polyamory and Pregnancy

Not much to change here. Just your standard link list. Obviously, I’ve found a great deal to add since wrapping up this blog series, since I wrote a whole book on polyamory, pregnancy, and everything that goes along with. But you can still find the basics here. Re-posted March 9, 2017.

So, over two months of posting, and a week to think it over, I really think I’ve covered everything related to polyamory and pregnancy. If something occurs to me later that I have missed, I’ll add it here. In the meantime, here is a link list of every post in this series.

Polyamory and Pregnancy – the introduction

Planning for a Pregnancy

Prenatal Care – dealing with doctors and hospitals (you might also want to check out Educating Poly-Friendly Professionals)

Legal Stuff – filling out the birth certificate and determining paternity

Picking Names – who is involved and how do you decide

Polyam Partners getting pregnant

What Makes a Parent – being a parent can be much more then biology

Taking a Break–  sometimes, taking a break from polyamory to focus on pregnancy and a new child may be the right thing

And for a more in depth (and portable) read, check out the Polyamory on Purpose Guide to Polyamory and Pregnancy

Polyamory Finances Blog Series

Thanks to my awesome Patrons, Polyamory on Purpose will now be posting three Tuesdays a month. So today we’re starting a new blog series: polyamory finances.

This blog series will be mostly for poly folk living in entwined couples and entwined groups. Most solo and single poly folk will generally find their finances no different from any other single person. For the RAs, whether or not this blog series will be helpful will depend on your specific relationships and whether or not you are financially entwined with anyone.

Topics will include: multi-partner budgeting, budgeting for dates, emergency funds, house spouse salaries, retirement planning, and more.

Polyamory Finances Posts

  1. Financial Entwinement
  2. Polyamory: Who Pays for Dates?
  3. Budgeting for Dates
  4. Polyamory Budgeting
  5. Guest Post: How Separate Bank Accounts Helped Make Our Open Marriage Work
  6. Budgeting with a House Spouse
  7. Two Things a Poly Group Home Needs to Save For

Polyamory and Mental Illness, Part II

Okay, folks. After a much needed hiatus, I’m going back to tackling polyamory and mental illness. For those who are interested, the old polyamory and mental illness posts are below.

Mental Illness: Monster or Myself

My approach to mental illness frames it as something outside “who I am”. It is very similar to how I frame cancer. My father is not a cancerous person, he is a person who is battling cancer. I am not an ill person, I am a person who is battling mental illness. As part of framing mental illness as separate from myself, I speak of it as a monster, invader, or in other extremely negative terms. Being able to frame my mental illnesses as something apart from myself has been a major factor in my healing.

However, not everyone frames mental illness this way. Some learn to embrace and accept mental illness as part of themselves. My mother, who has multiple sclerosis, rejects the idea that she is a person with disability. She is a disabled person who has learned to accept and love herself, disability and all. Similar, some people with depression, or anxiety or PTSD have embraced their mental illness. It is a part of themselves, and learning to love themselves, including their illness, has been a major part of their healing.

Through this blog series, I have framed mental illness as something separate from the person suffering from it. I frame it that way because that is the framing that works for me and because it is the framing I am familiar with. Unfortunately, for people who frame mental illness as part of themselves, my framing can be hurtful. I’m sorry for that, and equally sorry that it took me so long to realize this.

If you have a mental illness, you need to frame it in a way that works for you. If your partner has a mental illness, you need to learn how they frame it and support their approach. If your partner frames mental illness as a part of themselves they are struggling to love and accept, please DO NOT use my framing. Speaking of mental illness as a monster that is taking over their lives, an illness that is distorting who they are, or similar terms can be extremely hurtful to people who use that framing.

For the rest of this series, I am going to try to be more aware of my framing. I am going to try to present information in a way that will work for both frames. When I can’t, I’ll differentiate which frame a certain approach or idea is best suited to.

If you frame mental illness as a part of yourself, I would love to have you share a guest post on your experience with mental illness and how you approach healing. Or, as always, leave a comment below.

Polyamory and Mental Illness Blog Series:

  1. Polyamory and Mental Illness (Guest post by Clementine Morgan)
  2. Facts About Mental Illness for Poly Partners
  3. Opening Up About Mental Illness
  4. How Can I Support my Mentally Ill Poly Partner? (Part 1)
  5. How Can I Support my Mentally Ill Poly Partner? (Part 2)
  6. A Rant: “I Know I am Being Irrational Right Now”
  7. When Polyamory and Mental Illness Collide (Part 1)
  8. Living With Depression
  9. Polyamory Advice for the Mentally Ill: “Be with Your Emotions”
  10. Depressive Disorders and Polyamory
  11. Polyamory Advice for the Mentally Ill: “Communicate, Communicate, Communicate”
  12. Polyamory Boundaries and Mental Illness
  13. Living with Anxiety
  14. Anxiety Disorders and Polyamory
  15. Mental Illness: The Course of Treatment
    1. Recognizing Your Need Help
    2. Getting a Diagnosis
    3. Treatment Options
      1. Medication
      2. Talk Therapy
      3. Alternative Therapies
      4. Alternative Medicine
      5. Home Care
      6. Treatment Intensity
        1. Treatment Intensity and the Impact on Polyamory
    4. The Treatment Roller Coaster
  16. Fucked Up Parts of Mental Illness: Punishing Myself for Having Fun
  17. The Wrong Diagnosis (Guest Post by Michon Neal)
  18. Polyamory and PTSD (and other trauma and stress-related disorders) (Part 1)
  19. Polyamory and PTSD (and other trauma and stress-related disorders) (Part 2)

This post is part of the Polyamory and Mental Illness blog series.

Help Support Polyamory on Purpose.

The Polyamory Etiquette Guide

Time for a new topic*, and this one is a doozy. We’re going to be talking about polyamory etiquette. Basic courtesy is always in fashion, but a lot of the cultural customs go flying out the window when you introduce new types of relationships. And etiquette is basically cultural customs for dealing with other people. For some reason, Emily Post never covered etiquette for non-monogamy. I’m going to attempt to fill her shoes.

Why Do We Need a Polyamory Etiquette Guide?

For folks who are socially adept, a lot of what I’ll be covering here will be obvious or easy to figure out on your own. I’m not socially adept, which is one reason I loved etiquette guides growing up. Clearly detailed instructions for every imaginable social situation so I didn’t need to worry about making a fool out of myself before I even said “Hello.” Unfortunately, etiquette guides had fallen out of fashion in the US. Most of what I read was 30-50 years out of date.

For those of us who struggle with social situations questions like “How do I introduce my partner’s other partner to my partners?” or (I ran into this one recently) “Who in my family is this invitation meant to include?” can be difficult to deal with–especially when the situation comes at us on the fly.

Why Is Someone Who Admits to Being Social Inept Writing an Etiquette Guide?

Folks who are socially adept don’t think about what they do. They learned the rules on a subconscious level. After a couple of decades studying the rules of social interactions, I can explain how that shit works better than people who handle social situations 10 times better than I do. And as the folks I met at Poly Living last month can attest, I’ve done a fairly good job of putting my learning into practice. New social situations still throw me, but give me some time to think it through later, and I’ll figure it out.

There Are No Rules

This blog series is intended as a guide, not a rulebook. Take what works for you, ignore what doesn’t, and share your own variations in the comments.

I usually try to keep my writing as universally applicable as possible. Unfortunately, this topic will of necessity be very US-centric. Etiquette is, as I said before, a custom, and customs vary insanely both between countries and within countries.

*As promised, I will be picking up mental illness again soon. Safe Sex and STIs will be wrapping up in the next few weeks. After that, I’ll be slotting Polyamory and Mental Illness in on Sundays.

Polyamory Etiquette Blog Posts

The Building Blocks of Polyamory Etiquette
The First Rule of Polyamory Etiquette: Don’t Be Afraid to Ask
Introducing Your Polyamory Partners and Metamours
The Etiquette of Unexpected Encounters
href=”http://polyamoryonpurpose.com/etiquette-polyamory-partners-and-children/” target=”_blank”>Etiquette for Polyamory Partners and Children
Running into a Poly Partner in Public

Want more great articles? Support Polyamory on Purpose on Patron. We’re $15 away from adding a post the first Tuesday of every month.

What Do You Want to Learn About STIs and Safe Sex?

I’m going to pick up and finally finish my extremely drawn out blog series on safe sex and STIs. Last spring I finally finished a run down of various STIs and their symptoms, causes, treatments, etc. Now I want to go back to that series and talk a bit about options when you or someone in your polycule has an STI, communicating about safe sex with your partners and a few other things.

But before I get too deep into that, I’d love for you to tell me if there is anything you really want to know about STIs and safe sex in polyamorous relationships. I can’t promise to have an answer, but I’ll damn well try. Leave a comment below, or contact me privately!

Posts so far

(Updated February 8, 2016)

  1. STDs/STIs
  2. What are STD/STIs?
  3. STD/STIs Protection (Introduction)
  4. Protecting Against STD/STIs: Barrier Method
  5. Preventing STD/STIs: Testing Agreements
  6. Preventing STD/STIs: Be a Smart Slut – Open Relationships, Promiscuity and STD/STIs
  7. Protecting Against STD/STIs: Abstinence/Closed Relationships
  8. STD/STI Testing: Introduction
  9. Polyamory and STD/STIs: Getting Tested
  10. What Does STD/STI Testing Involve?
  11. STD/STIs: How often should I get tested?
  12. The Long List of STD/STIs
    1. Bacterial Vaginosis
    2. Chancroid
    3. Chlamydia
    4. Crab lice
    5. Cytomegalovirus (CMV)
    6. Genital Warts
    7. Granuloma Inguinale
    8. Gonorrhea
    9. Hepatitis (A, B & E)
    10. Herpes (1 & 2)
    11. HIV & AIDS
    12. Human Papillomavirus (HPV)
    13. Molluscum Contagiosum
    14. Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (PID)
    15. Pubic Lice (Crabs)
    16. Scabies
    17. Syphilis
    18. Trichomoniasis (Trich)
  13. Fluid Bonding and Safe Sex
  14. Safe Sex Vs Safer Sex

Raising Children in A Polyamorous Family Wrap Up

With some reluctance, I’m wrapping up the PoP blog series on raising children in polyamorous families. I hope I’ve been able to answer some questions and give some reassurances. I think I’ve covered everything I intended to cover. If you have any questions or concerns I missed, please contact me. I’m always happy to add another post or two! For now, here’s the complete…

Raising Children in A Polyamorous Family Blog Series

  1. Random Babble Post – For the Children
  2. Polyamory and Children: Where is the Research At?
  3. Polyamory and Children: It’s a complicated subject
  4. Polyamory and Children: Opening up?
  5. Telling Your Children about Polyamory
  6. Polyamory and Children: Introducing New SOs
  7. Polyamory and Children: Research Update
  8. Polyamory and Children: Legal Stuff
  9. Polyamory and Children: What do I call Mom’s Boyfriend?
  10. Polyamory and Children Guest Blog: Marmoset, Metamour and Ice Cream
  11. Polyamory Hurts Kids? Not in the Real World
  12. Laws and legal practices affecting our children
  13. Polyamory and Children: Child Custody Review
  14. Child Custody and Polyamory: Who is at Risk
  15. Child Custody Cases: How to Protect Yourself
  16. Resources for Custody Cases Involving Polyamory
  17. Introducing Your Polyamory Partners to Your Children
  18. Should You Tell Your Kids About Polyamory?
  19. Helping Our Kids Talk About Polyamory
  20. Talking with Your Child’s Teacher (or other professional) about Polyamory
  21. When Your Kids Discover Your Closeted Polyamorous Relationship
  22. Legal Options for Multi-Parent Polyamorous Families
  23. Polyamory and Child Custody (Guest Post by Gracie X)
  24. When Our Kids Face Discrimination for Our Relationships
  25. Meeting Other Polyamorous Families

The next couple of Sundays I’ll be catching up on book reviews, so if you’ve been looking for a new poly-related read make sure you stop by!

Polyamory and Children: Child Custody Review

In the last three months, I have learned of four custody cases in which polyamory is being used as a reason for taking children away from their parents. That’s more than I’ve heard of in the last three years. So before we get into more generic stuff about raising children in a poly family, we’re going to spend a couple of weeks reviewing the way polyamory can and will impact child custody cases, and what you can do to protect yourself and your children.

If you are facing a custody case, make sure you talk with a lawyer or other legal expert. The information provided in this blog is for information purposes only.

Over the next few weeks I’ll be covering:

  1. Who is at risk
  2. How you can protect yourself and your children
  3. Resources

Some parts of this topic will be specific to the US, others will be useful for any poly folk.

Raising Children in Polyamorous Families

A few years ago I started writing about raising children in polyamorous families. I was never able to finish the series, because my custody case made it a very painful topic for me. Time, while it doesn’t actually heal anything, does give us a chance to heal. So I’m going back to that old series and going to finish it now.

If you missed my original polyamory and children posts, here they are:

Random Babble Post – For the Children

Polyamory and Children: Where is the Research At?

Polyamory and Children: It’s a complicated subject

Polyamory and Children: Opening up?

Telling Your Children about Polyamory

Polyamory and Children: Introducing New SOs

Polyamory and Children: Research Update

Polyamory and Children: Legal Stuff

Polyamory and Children: What do I call Mom’s Boyfriend?

Polyamory and Children Guest Blog: Marmoset, Metamour and Ice Cream

Bonus Post: Custody Update and Important Legal Precedent

Review of: The Polyamorists Next Door, by Dr. Eli Sheff

Book Review: Raf and the Robots

Polyamory Hurts Kids? Not in the Real World

New Posts

Laws and legal practices affecting our children

Polyamory and Children: Child Custody Review

Child Custody and Polyamory: Who is at Risk

Child Custody Cases: How to Protect Yourself

Resources for Custody Cases Involving Polyamory

Introducing Your Polyamory Partners to Your Children

Should You Tell Your Kids About Polyamory?

Helping Our Kids Talk About Polyamory

Talking with Your Child’s Teacher (or other professional) about Polyamory

When Your Kids Discover Your Closeted Polyamorous Relationship

Legal Options for Multi-Parent Polyamorous Families

Polyamory and Child Custody (Guest Post by Gracie X)

Polyamory and Mental Illness Blog Series

  1. Polyamory and Mental Illness (Guest post by Clementine Morgan)
  2. Facts About Mental Illness for Poly Partners
  3. Opening Up About Mental Illness
  4. How Can I Support my Mentally Ill Poly Partner? (Part 1)
  5. How Can I Support my Mentally Ill Poly Partner? (Part 2)
  6. A Rant: “I Know I am Being Irrational Right Now”
  7. When Polyamory and Mental Illness Collide (Part 1)
  8. Living With Depression
  9. Polyamory Advice for the Mentally Ill: “Be with Your Emotions”
  10. Depressive Disorders and Polyamory
  11. Polyamory Advice for the Mentally Ill: “Communicate, Communicate, Communicate”
  12. Polyamory Boundaries and Mental Illness
  13. Living with Anxiety
  14. Anxiety Disorders and Polyamory
  15. Mental Illness: The Course of Treatment
    1. Recognizing Your Need Help
    2. Getting a Diagnosis
    3. Treatment Options
      1. Medication
      2. Talk Therapy
      3. Alternative Therapies
      4. Alternative Medicine
      5. Home Care
      6. Treatment Intensity
        1. Treatment Intensity and the Impact on Polyamory
    4. The Treatment Roller Coaster
  16. Fucked Up Parts of Mental Illness: Punishing Myself for Having Fun
  17. The Wrong Diagnosis (Guest Post by Michon Neal)
  18. Polyamory and PTSD (and other trauma and stress-related disorders) (Part 1)
  19. Polyamory and PTSD (and other trauma and stress-related disorders) (Part 2)

The Mental Illness blog series is on hiatus for a few months. It will resume when I finish the series on abuse in polyamorous relationships.