I’m delving a bit more into dating advice than I’m really comfortable with today, but there’s an issue I’ve skirted around in a few places that recently smacked me between the eyes. And I’m calling bullshit.
A common trope of polyamory is the desire for “drama-free” relationships. The desire to avoid partners with lots of baggage. The idea that there are some people who dating is more trouble than it is worth.
After five+ years of being told that I should leave my disabled partner because he wasn’t contributing anything to the relationship (in other people’s eyes), I have no fucking patience for the idea that some people aren’t worth being in a relationship with. And I am sick to death of the idea that some people got baggage and other people don’t.
Everybody got baggage. It’s just some people have baggage that society considers “acceptable” and some people have baggage that society disapproves of.
Do you know what is major baggage for me? A poly partner with a 9-5 job. That’s right, a poly partner with a regular, salaried job is, in my eyes, carrying baggage. As someone who sets their own work hours, and has people to take care of, dating around a 9-5 is a pain in the ass. A night job? Great! On your days off we can go out late at night after the kids are asleep? A weekend job? I don’t go out on Saturdays (Shabbat) anyway, how does Wednesday morning sound?
See, there is this mythical idea that some people are drama- and baggage- free. These would be people with good jobs, no medical problems, no legal problems, no mental or emotional problems, who bring rainbows and flowers to all their relationships with no problems or hassles or challenges.
It doesn’t work that way.
I got a shit ton of baggage, and so do you, and so does everyone. What matters is how our baggage fits together. Or as the musical Rent puts it:
For some people, my depression and anxiety are clashing baggage they don’t want to deal with. For me, someone who doesn’t understand mental illness and thinks I can “get over” being depressed has baggage that will never fit in a closet with mine.
You got baggage? I got baggage too… I’m looking for baggage that goes with mine.
You know what is baggage? Being openly poly. You know what else is baggage? Being in the closet.
If I date someone who is openly poly, we don’t even notice the baggage because we are both open. If I date someone who is in the closet, then the conflict between our baggage will constantly be straining our relationship.
Drama is what happens when baggage doesn’t fit.
For Michael and I, Michael’s disability isn’t drama, it’s just part of life. It’s a shitty part of life, but then life is sometimes a shitty thing. That’s why we call it ‘life’ and not ‘heaven.’
For someone else—someone with a 9-5 job who would need to take a day off of work every time Michal had another test scheduled—being in a highly entwined relationship with Michael would be major drama because their baggage wouldn’t fit together.
Interestingly enough, if Michael was in a highly entwined relationship with both of us, the baggage might fit because I could handle all the driving to doctors offices. Lots of things can change the way baggage fits together.
Some baggage is very hard to find a match for. Michael and I both come with some very unusually-shaped baggage. Enough so that I often fear my dream of finding other people we fit with well enough to live together in multiple highly entwined relationships is flat out impossible. That doesn’t stop me from enjoying the less entwined relationships that have come both our ways. Because baggage also fits differently depending on the style of relationship.
So lets chill with the search for drama-free partners without baggage. People aren’t drama filled or drama free, relationships are. And everyone in the whole world has baggage. Own yours, don’t shame people for theirs. Be open about what baggage will just never work with yours, but don’t be afraid to try something that looks like it might not fit—sometimes baggage can surprise you.