Helping Our Kids Talk About Polyamory

In an ideal world, no one would be asking our kids about our relationships because private stuff is private stuff and grown-up stuff is grown up stuff. But as one of my favorite authors points out:
“No thinking adult would ask a kid about this stuff, but that just means you’ll need to deal with questions from unthinking adults.” (paraphrased, Lois McMaster Bujold, A Civil Affair)
If we are open about our relationships, sooner or later our kids will be fielding questions, either from other kids are school or unthinking adults who should know better, but don’t.

Young children will need guidance from us on how to deal with the questions that come their way. Older kids, and especially teenagers, will be able to come up with their own strategies for dealing with questions—but providing support and ideas ahead of time is still a good idea.

Fielding questions about polyamory

In general I suggest one of three basic approaches, depending on the situation and the kid’s comfort level.

1) KISS (Keep It Simple, Stupid)—Your kid may not be stupid, but any adult asking a kid these questions IS. So kids can keep their answers simple. “So-and-so is part of our family.” “Yes, Mom goes out with a friend some nights.” “No, I don’t want to talk about this.” “You’ll need to ask Dad about that.” One short sentence then go back to what they were doing.

2) Pull the privacy card—It really isn’t anyone else’s business, and it’s okay for your kids to tell people that! “I don’t want to talk about Mom and Dad’s personal stuff.” “That’s my family’s business.” “It’s rude to ask about private stuff.”

3) Open up a bit—if your kid is comfortable with the question, isn’t being put on the spot, and wants to share stuff with friends, that’s okay. “Yes, So-and-so is kind of like my uncle, and he lives with us. We go bowling sometimes.” “Dad’s date night is Thursday, so he goes out with Such-and-such and Mom and I have a special movie night.” Your kid needs to know it is their choice who they open up to, and that they don’t need to talk about your home life with anyone they don’t feel comfortable with. But if you are open about being polyamorous and they want to talk with friends, there is nothing wrong with that.

Teachers and Other Authority Figures

Okay, caveat. While most adults should know better than to poke at kids about your relationships, teachers, doctors, and a few other adults have an ethical and legal responsibility to watch for signs of abuse and neglect. And that means sometimes it is their job to ask prying questions. It would be nice if ethical non-monogamy was universally accepted and people didn’t jump to conclusions. Maybe one day we’ll get that ideal world, but I’m not holding my breath!

In the mean time, the above strategies will generally work in these situations as well. However, if your kids pull the privacy card here, they need to direct the adult to you. An answer of “That’s private stuff” may just make the questioner dig harder. “That’s my parent’s private stuff. You’ll need to ask them about it,” on the other hand is less likely to sound like something is being hidden—and in need of being uncovered.

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